back from my; Nine Hours sleep.
Haha. -winks.

after the lockin night,
was too tired to even join the rest for breakfast. =|
so walked home with Weijia. (:

came home, bathed.
pris called so talked to her for a while (:
den was msg-ing jiahui too. (:
yay.

lets talk abt yesterday!
didnt sleep at all, cus of thinking of smth.
finally fell asleep at ard 2+,
den received shi's msg at..2+,
and adel's msg at..3+.
den at 4+, woke up again.
den after that, 6.30 for trng.

grumpy mood.
so was, jiamin? hmm.
nicole had a flu. poor thing.
had to bring a box of tissue into the k2 with her.
wahahaha.
but that lucky girl,
Finally was early! cus of someone ar.

something embarrassing happened.
Arrrh. shant be reminded of it. =
huiqin told me abt some, sji guy.
Freaky.
why do some ppl notice such things?!
nvm. not bothered. (:

selected for t1 500m for nats.
hmmm. One more month to go.
not scary at all what.
RIGHT.

i think, yesterday's trng
was the first trng we did Alot.
like many trials, den the 40strokes, etc.
hmm. (:

lunched at usual place again.
den down to church to study.

realised usually after trngs,
all i want to do is Sleep. =|

oh well, didnt anw.
stayed awake till 8pm.

lockinnyte
went there, not very happy?
as in, dunno abt the outcomes of Certain things.

pris came down a while!
yay. she missed me too much.
but am happy she did come down. (:

in Levites! (:
benita as leader, with..
lydialin/jeremy/selin/huiwen/weishan/me.

worship first,
den there was still skit on the story of Rachel Scott.
den the game began.
the game which lasted for, 3hrs.

shant talk abt the details of the game.
Everyone's doing that. haha.

anyhow, i feel that though the game was just a stimulation. the shoutings/ torturing was only the voices of people i know, the torturings were mild, the real motive of the game was brought out. in between being blindfolded and handcuffed, i thought about alot of things. like how i do not want to regret living my life. the things i want to do, the ppl i want to get close to again, the things i want to achieve and not look back to say, " Oh, how i wished i cld turn time back and change that part of my life."

and just like everyone, i thought, what if one day, such a thing really happened? wld i stand up for my Faith. wld i because of my own pleasures, betray what i thought was my belief. what wld i do? wld i be strong enough to die and know that in heaven lies me a place. wld i? perhaps it seems unreal now, cus of the free unrestricted environment we're in to worship God, but if one day, such a thing happens to us, how wld i react.

thought abt That thing also. what a person wld i be, if i say i believe in Him but yet, i still do things i know He would be unhappy about?

-

and i think, i'm a rather Jealous person.
i just dont like people to, @$!%#
nvm. shant say much here.
not as if i can control ppl liddat right.

excerpt from benita's blog.
"past
everyone has a past.
a deep dark secret of themselves they never will reveal,
even to the closest person possible to them.
but that feeling of discovering that dark, shocking secret of someone you'd never expect to have..repulsion naturally occurs within.
like it or not, the existing opinion of that person changes somehow.. and one gets torn between the loyalty &trust of a friend and disgust &betrayal.
And you start wondering how you're gonna face that person the next time you talk to him/her.
Behave normally? Let disgust show through? Be cold and distant?

How, then, should a real friend react?
Ignore the past, pray continually for that friend, that he/she will change for the better and accept the facts?
even though the resentment is there, the shock still registering and dealing a stinging blow deep down in your heart.
And you're afraid that you may fall into the same trap or suffer the consequences if there be any, should you keep that mask on the person's face.
or
You ostracize that person, hate, and severe all ties you once had.
Breaking that once unspoken promise of friendship;
just because you cant accept the fact of that person's past, be it done in a moment of folly or not.

Insecurities have welled up, and you wonder if you should continue to hold that trust just because of the other party's still-existant trust in you.
And what if you were wrong? What if that person has changed for the better or the rumours werent true?
Then you'll feel unsurmountable guilt for letting your faith in that person waver, and feel ashamed for aiding in the backstabbing or simply cos you'd failed as a friend yourself.
But yet, that aversion of that person is inevitable. you feel weird trying to behave as though nothing ever happened; you didnt know anything. And yet you cant hide the fact that you do know.

'hen3 nan2 zuo4 ren2' - loosely translated as 'very hard to be a human' -
is so true.
How does one be a 'human', a perfect one at that?
a pure at heart, unselfish, unconditionally loving, perfect human?
No one can, and no one is. All of us have the original sin...
Its also virtually impossible to live sinlessly, or without having the natural protective instinct, in order to survive in this world.

sin helps us survive on earth.

But yet, the ultimate survival comes from God.
Amen. "

How true.
what i wanted to say out in words which were so hard.

and i realise, how i often hate myself.
how i regret the things i say or do.
or the times i just want to think,
and avoid people,
ending up in misunderstandings.

how fragile frienships are.
if it cant undergo some things,
probably its not strong enough.
its either you make it stronger,
or just leave it as that.

i guess it takes two hands to clap.
probably when i'm tired to try,
you're alert and wanting to make things better.
and when i want to make things better,
you in turn became too tired to try.

Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you are faced with trials for many kinds. because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance.
James1:2&3

no matter how hard one tries,
Nothing wld ever be the same as before.

its just not easy.